


Caught Off Guard

by captkatebae



Series: I Should Have Known [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Endgame, Episode: s07e11 Shattered, F/M, Post-Endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-29
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-02-23 17:16:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13194837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captkatebae/pseuds/captkatebae
Summary: Captain Kathryn Janeway finally gets her crew home and is searching for her own happiness.  She had always assumed that upon their return her and Chakotay would finally get their chance, but little did she know that he was already in another relationship.  Thinking back, she should have known.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This work is mainly set post Endgame.   
> Chapters 1 & 2 are Teen & Up but move to a more mature audience later in chapter 3.

The stars shown through the window casting a light on her face. Standing here, looking through this bay window, oh how familiar it felt. For seven years, sometimes it felt dreadfully long as she pushed her crew onward through the dark and unknown, and at other times it was the delightful and magnetic sync of a crew that felt so at home with one another, she had gazed out this window, looking at the unknown space in front of her. It was her calming mechanism to get lost in the magnitude and beauty of space. And yet now, here she was, with the ever so familiar constellations before her and try as she might, she couldn’t calm the emotions coursing through her. 

It was excitement, abounding joy, fear, sadness and somehow this devastation of stress as it slowly ebbed from her bones and muscles, knowing she had accomplished what she set out to do seven years ago. For so long she had remained the staunch leader of this crew, never breaking down, always vehemently moving forward on their mission and never letting anyone think they wouldn’t succeed. It had been exhausting. Only one person had been able to get a glimpse of her, the real her, on occasion and that was her ever loyal first officer. But even he had a hard time breaking through that tough exterior to see the toll this journey had on her.

Now, standing in her ready room, aware that this journey was almost complete, she was somehow about to give into the emotion of it all. She didn’t know how to get all of the turmoil seething through her body to calm itself. The overwhelming happiness she felt countered with the fleeing pent up tension was causing this surge to build in her and it unfortunately wanted to escape in tears of unending emotion. 

Staring at Earth before her, she locked eyes on the rolling clouds as she thought perhaps she could get this all under control before Starfleet Command requested her audience or she had to go back out on the bridge to bring this ship home. The chime to her ready room door sounded and she thought, now is not the time, I’m almost in control. She waited a moment until she heard it ring again. “Come in,” she called. Her back still to the door, she waited for the visitor to speak.

It was silence for a moment and somehow she knew exactly who it was. She only felt comfortable in silence with him. As the moment wore on, he finally called to her, “Kathryn.” It was more a statement than a question. She could feel the excitement in his voice. He continued, “Kathryn…I’m speechless. You have actually done it, after all of these years, you’ve brought us home.” That was it. That’s all she needed for those tears she had been holding back, to escape her controlled grasp. A couple dropped at first and she bit her lip, still trying to keep her composure. She was forcibly holding her shoulders erect, trying not to allow them to shake.

“You are an unbelievable Captain and woman. We all owe you our gratitude and I wanted to be the first to come in here and congratulate you, no, thank you for everything you have done. You did it,” Chakotay finished. Taking a shaking breath, she finally turned to him. Chakotay had moved closer to the stairs of her ready room, leading up to the bay window. He had one foot on the step as he was walking closer to her. For whatever reason, she finally let herself go in front of him. The tears came more freely and she looked into his eyes, seeing the compassion she always found in him. He was so sincere in his words to her and it was the one thing that was going to break her, his endearing accolades of what she had done for the past seven years.

Physicality was not uncommon to the command team. Her gentle touches on his hand, the way she at times would caress his face in sickbay or during their weekly dinners, the times she placed her hands on his chest letting him know everything was good between them, no that was not unfamiliar. On occasion they had come close to further signs of affection, perhaps towed the line a little too closely or crossed it, just enough to cause concern, but they quickly would right their actions, knowing what was in the balance. But here, in this moment, with absolute turmoil rolling through her, she needed or more importantly wanted his physical safety net.

Without any thought, she rushed to him, encircling herself around him, her arms underneath his and placing her cheek on his chest as she finally allowed the sobs to escape her. Chakotay was instinctive in his returned feelings, wrapping his large arms around her to hold her securely. He remained quiet as he let a hand come up and grasp the back of her head and glide his fingers down through her full hair. How he always knew, she was unsure, perhaps it was the close bond they shared after years of just having each other, but he whispered to her, “It’s okay. Let the stress and anxiousness and exertions of this journey escape you. And know that we are all grateful for the leader you have been.” He squeezed her tighter, wanting to reaffirm all of the words he was telling her. 

Slowly, her breathing started to right itself. She had just needed this. Her most devout and loyal friend to offer her these reassurances while holding onto her, making her feel safe and secure. It had been so long since she had even allowed anyone to hold her in this way. But, knowing that they were finally home, that soon, after all of the debriefings that would occur, perhaps it wasn’t long off that she would allow herself the pleasure of being in a relationship, she could finally breathe and know that the weight wouldn’t all be on her shoulders. 

Pulling back slightly, Kathryn placed her hand on Chakotay’s chest. “I’m sorry,” she breathed slowly. “Why are you apologizing Kathryn,” he questioned, “this is a big deal and I’m sure you are fighting all types of emotions. It’s okay now, to let yourself be you. To show a slightly different side. It’s only me you are showing and I promise not to tell anyone.” She smiled slightly at his last comment before chiding, “I mean your uniform. I’m sorry I stained it with my tears.” They both chuckled slightly. But neither was ready to let go of the embrace, at least not yet. 

Chakotay took the initiative first and bent his forehead down to touch hers. They stood resting that way, with their eyes closed for a moment, just enjoying the content feeling of rest. “I’m so tired Chakotay,” she said, “and yet, I can’t believe it’s over. I didn’t just do this, we did this.” She opened her eyes to look at him. His eyes were still closed, his arms encircling her lower back. He was taking deep breaths and for a fleeting moment, she wondered if this is how it would feel to be sleeping next to him, so closely knit as their breathing took on the same pattern.

Suddenly his eyes flittered open and it was the closest she remembered being to him for a long time. She searched his eyes looking for his own feelings. It was there too, the exhaustion, the fear of unknowingly what was to come, but there was something else. Was it what she had briefly allowed herself to think? Was it the hope that now that they had made it, perhaps this enduring relationship could move to what they had always fantasized about? Was she still his top priority?  
Her conversations with Admiral Janeway had shaken her, made her uncertain. But here he was with her in his arms and she swore she could see it in his eyes too. Letting her face drift dangerously closer to his, she wanted to see, no feel what his reaction would be. 

Their breath was intermingled now but she wouldn’t take the final step, until it was too late and he reacted, bending himself lower to brush his lips against hers. The first touch sent a jolt through her, as she felt his divine lips push against hers. They were full and encompassed her mouth as his arms securely held her in place. She let her eyes drift shut as she returned the passion that was growing quickly. Allowing her arms encircled around his back to claw their way to his shoulders, she pulled him closer.  
It wasn’t her imagination, his desire was there, as he encased her mouth, sucking the air from her lungs. The passion was dire; they were consuming one another, too quickly. She parted his lips with her tongue, and they began to taste one another. It was a game fueled by fire as their tongues played back and forth. Was this a dream; one that she had often woke to late in her quarters? No, this was better than she had imagined. 

Their bodies started to move against one another. It was natural. She could already feel him, pressing against her stomach. His hands started moving freely from the small of her back to grasp her lower. She shuddered with the squeeze. And suddenly, at the moment her mind started to push through, screaming for her to stop, the ever present chime to her ready room sounded. 

Her mind was clouded in a haze and a thick fog. Again, it took all her power as she pulled away from the passionate embrace and tried shaking her head to clear her mind. She watched as Chakotay ran his hands down his uniform, straightening out any signs of impropriety. She too was running her hands through her hair, trying to pull any vestiges of proper command behavior to the forefront. Grabbing the bottom of her jacket, she pulled down on it to straighten the lines, as it had twisted in the moments before. Had the chime actually rung, or had that been her mind forcing her to stop anything that would get out of control in her ready room, while on duty shift for god’s sakes?

As she thought it, the door chimed again. She cleared her throat, and didn’t need to look at Chakotay to warn him that this dalliance, this moment of uncontrolled emotion on her part, need not to be found out. She walked back to where she had stood looking out the window, as Chakotay seated himself at her desk to hide any anticipation that remained in him. “Come in,” she called. 

Seven strode in through the door quickly. She halted at the sight of Commander Chakotay sitting at the chair in front of the desk. With an uncomfortable silence that filled the room, Seven started, “I’m sorry if I am intruding. I didn’t realize that you two were in a meeting.” Janeway’s face flushed ever so slightly at the thought of what had occurred just moments before and the embarrassing notion that they were almost caught. 

Clearing her throat, Janeway turned to Seven, “No, it’s okay Seven. We were just reminiscing about the journey, the long journey that’s finally brought us home.” 

Seven looked from the captain to the commander, still feeling a bit of uneasiness in the room but pushing forward, “I wanted to review some of our recent enhancements to the ship that we made before our last confrontation with the Borg. I know that Starfleet Command will have many questions and want to be prepared before our debriefings.” 

Kathryn, looking at Seven, without glancing at Chakotay, shook her head in agreement. “Yes,” she replied, “I think that would be in our best interest. Perhaps we can review those later this evening during dinner hours. I have a few items I need to address first.” 

Seven of Nine had been standing at attention while the captain spoke to her, but then slightly turned to the Commander, before addressing Janeway, “I had previous plans this evening with the Commander; however, if he is willing to forego those plans, then yes, this evening would be appropriate.” 

Kathryn instinctively shot a piercing stare at her first officer. Chakotay, this entire time, had been glancing down at his hands, but upon Seven’s response he shifted his eyes’ to Kathryn. Their eyes met in a heated moment of confusion and then hurtful understanding. It was one of the first times that Kathryn found herself speechless; the recognition of what Seven had just said and the implication hit her like a ton of bricks. Without knowing she took in a sudden sharp breath. 

Seven was now staring at the back of Chakotay’s head, still waiting for a response. Sighing, Chakotay finally answered, “Yes, Seven, let’s take a raincheck on that. Handle whatever it is the Captain needs first.” Without waiting another moment, Seven responded to Janeway, “Then yes, tonight will work.”

Not being able to bring herself to look at Seven, she pulled her gaze from Chakotay and again turned to look out the window. Her last comment, before Seven exited was, “Eighteen hundred hours in astrometrics.” Kathryn heard the door to her ready room open and then close, signaling that Seven had left the command team alone. 

All emotion from earlier could now be stripped down to one raw emotion that Kathryn felt pulsing in her veins; she was enraged. Too many thoughts were now flooding her brain. The Admiral had told her of Chakotay’s marriage to Seven, but she was sure that they weren’t in a relationship yet. Not once had Chakotay mentioned it to her and neither had Seven. They were her best friend and her protégé, how had she not known? When did this happen? 

And more forcefully, in this moment, how had Chakotay just allowed their initimacy to reach a new level just minutes ago, when involved with someone else? Kathryn was no longer seeing straight as she tried to process what was happening. Closing her eyes, she placed her hand on the bulk head next to her to give her strength.

She had almost forgotten that Chakotay was still in the room, until she heard the muffled sliding of the chair and his timid footsteps. “Commander,” she let the word roll from her mouth seething, “it is in your best interest to leave.” “Kathryn,” came his quick response, “let me try…” but she cut him off, “You will address me in this room as Captain, unless I say otherwise,” she remarked. 

She then turned abruptly and raised her hand, pointing at the door, “You know your way out Commander.” Kathryn could see the hurt in his eyes as she was forcing him to leave, but what had just happened, what he had allowed to happen, he had no excuse for. 

Calmly he tried one more time, “Captain, I know this is all coming as a shock and with horrible timing, but if you would just give me a moment to explain myself, I think you would understand.” Janeway didn’t want to hear another word from his mouth. Shaking her head from side to side and never waning from the glare she was giving him, she pointed again to the door and simply uttered, “Go!”

Without another word, Chakotay turned on his heel and left her ready room. He knew when he had overstepped and when she was too stubborn to listen. Now was not the time to try and speak with her. But he could feel the hurt and betrayal emanating from her with the glance she gave him at the realization that he and Seven were in a relationship. He had to admit that everything that had happened and how he had handled it was all completely wrong. But he was damned if Kathryn wasn’t going to give him the opportunity to right himself. It had been seven long years and he wouldn’t allow anything, including Kathryn’s stubbornness, to stop him.

Kathryn had waited for him to leave and when the doors closed she let her hands come up to her face. She was completely stunned. When had things changed between her and Chakotay? Somehow she thought and knew that they had an understanding. Was she wrong to think that he could hold out like she had forced herself to do? Was it unfair to him? Thinking back on all of it, she thought to herself, I should have known.


	2. It Was There In Front of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still reeling from her last conversation with Commander Chakotay, Kathryn thinks back on some of their times together. Suddenly it's abundantly clear to her that she pushed him too hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Post Endgame with some memories set after Shattered.

It was late and the closer the Kathryn came to cleaning out the last remnants of her quarters aboard Voyager, the slower she was moving. She hated the feeling of removing all of her personal items from this space she had occupied for seven years. If she thought about it, besides her childhood home in Indiana, these captain’s quarters were the place she had resided the longest in her life. Going through Starfleet Academy and then jumping from one assignment to the next during her career hadn’t afforded her the opportunity to stay put for very long. In all honesty she enjoyed the constant excitement of moving from place to place, not ever having to settle down in one spot. 

But now, after having been in one place for so long, having to pack up and move felt wrong to her. This ship was her home. These quarters were her safe haven day after day in the Delta Quadrant. 

She should feel differently. It hadn’t taken Starfleet long, in fact only a week, after returning home to the Alpha Quadrant, to procure for her crew new lodging in San Francisco. Everything had moved so much faster than she thought it would. In what felt like the blink of an eye, her and her entire crew had been scheduled for debriefings with Starfleet personnel along with counseling sessions to ensure everyone was fit for their current positions. The Maquis crew, that had so long ago altered their ideals to be part of the Voyager family, had undergone mild questioning, but with her recounting of their performance in the Delta Quadrant, any prior claims were expunged. Janeway wasn’t surprised when she heard that any of the crew that still wanted to remain as active officers of Starfleet would keep the rank she had assigned them or, as she knew would be the case, were set to receive a promotion. 

Kathryn had spent countless hours in that first week with the brass of Starfleet. She had known that her debriefing would be grueling just based on the amount she would be required to recollect, but overall the mood of their return had been extremely joyous. A large banquet had been scheduled in their honor and was set to have over a thousand in attendance. Admittedly she wasn’t fond of a crowd that big that would put her at the center of attention, but she felt sheer pride for her crew and knew that they deserved it.

But that still didn’t change her mood at the moment. The more she neatly boxed away, the more she felt as though she was soon going to be missing a large piece of her life.

She circled around her desk, picking up a few small trinkets that decorated the corners when the picture frame caught her eye. Allowing the small items to fall from her hands, she reached for the frame. With one hand she held it up to her as her other fingers traced the faces in the picture. Kathryn glanced up at the ceiling as she felt moisture gathering in the corners of her eyes. When she finally looked back down at the photograph one tear escaped along with a slow sigh from her lips. 

Kathryn loved this picture and often went to it when she needed to smile. Letting her mind wonder, she thought back to when Neelix had replicated an old fashioned Polaroid camera for one of his many events that he had for the Voyager crew. As was their typical way, Chakotay and Kathryn had attended together, arm in arm. 

She remembered being thoughtful of what she was going to wear that night and had purposefully chosen a sleeveless red dress that her Commander had very highly commented on once before when she had worn it. She liked the way he looked at her when she had it on and she wasn’t disappointed in his reaction when he had arrived at the door to her quarters ready to escort her to the holodeck party. 

With a sharp intake of breath, Chakotay let the words spill from his mouth, “Kathryn you look stunning.” Sheepishly she gave him a half smirk, basking in his eyes on her, before saying, “I thought you might like it.” This caused him to start slightly as he recognized that her clothing option had pointedly been chosen for him. “Ahh, so you remembered,” he commented, stepping slightly closer to her while giving her that beautiful dimpled smile. Kathryn couldn’t help break out her own dashing smile as she looked down before replying, “Let’s just say, I don’t forget.” And she looked back up at him and met his stare as they momentarily got caught in each other’s gaze. 

Standing up straight then and offering his arm to her, Chakotay confidently remarked, “There’s nothing like attending a party with the most beautiful woman in the room on your arm.” He always made her feel special in a way no one else did. Encircling her arm through his, Janeway grasped his forearm with her hand and Chakotay lightly laid his hand atop her’s before whisking her away to the holodeck. 

Their night had been filled with the typical small chat with the crew, eating and minimal drinking (given their positions), along with storytelling and laughter. The crew was accustomed to seeing the command team together in these situations. Rarely would the Captain and Commander separate. And, perhaps, to the keener eye, they recognized the ever present flirtation between the two. 

As they walked through the beautifully decorated autumn themed party that Neelix had arranged, they were suddenly stopped in order to get their picture taken. Insistent, Neelix had asked them to pose for the photograph. Janeway wasn’t one much for pictures and had at first objected, but Chakotay had sweetly coaxed her into it. “Oh Kathryn, we can’t be the only two without a picture to commemorate this evening,” he said at first, before turning his head so that only she could hear, “and I never want to forget how you looked tonight.” Blushing only slightly, she urged Neelix on, “Okay, one picture.” 

Chakotay stood with his arm wrapped about her waist and Kathryn placed her hand on his chest as Neelix snapped the first photo. As the picture was ejecting from the camera, Tom Paris made a snide remark about the Commander that threw both the Captain and First Officer into a fit of laughter and Neelix took it upon himself to capture that moment as well. 

The evening had ended like most with Chakotay escorting Kathryn back to her quarters, not too late, as they always gave the crew a bit of time at the end of the party without their commanding officers leaning over their shoulders. 

As they approached the door Kathryn asked, “Come in for a night cap?” When Chakotay didn’t immediately respond, she turned back to look at him. She caught something in his eye that made her a bit apprehensive. It was him trying to push away any desire he had for the woman standing in front of him. This was the one part she regretted and she tried time and again to make it easy for him and to make it easy for her. How could they toe the line, as close as they were, as attracted as she felt toward him and she knew he felt towards her, as much as they shared and at times flirted without abandon, and yet still remain here in this space without taking the next step? It was hard and not just for him, but for her too. 

Without waiting for a reply she thought better and finished, “On second thought, it’s a little late and I believe you assigned both of us the early shift tomorrow.” She saw the regret in his face but also a quiet thank you that she wasn’t tempting him tonight beyond what he could bare. “Good night Kathryn,” he said softly, releasing her hand and turning to walk the short distance back to his living space.

Entering her quarters she remembered the picture she held in her hand. She brought it up to her face to look at more thoroughly as a large smile spread across her face. Chakotay’s head was tilted to the side laughing as he looked admiringly at Kathryn with his arms encircled around her waist and there she was tilted forward in genuine laughter, one hand grasping his arm to steady herself. They did make a handsome couple, didn’t they? She had set the picture down on her desk setting a mental reminder that she would need to frame it.

As the memory of that night gradually drifted from her thoughts, the hard realization of the present came rushing back to her. She touched their laughing faces again with the tip of her finger, still reminiscing. Heaving another sigh she whispered, “Chakotay, what happened to us?” 

Setting the picture back down on her desk, she walked over to her replicator and ordered herself a coffee, black. Kathryn was honestly still unsettled by the last “real” conversation she and Chakotay had. It had been over a week now, but since they had just returned to the Alpha Quadrant and so much time had been devoted to Starfleet meetings and counseling sessions, she hadn’t really had an opportunity to discuss their last encounter in her ready room. 

Granted they had spoken briefly about the crew, ensuring everyone was placed and being taken care of, but it had been one hundred and ten percent business. God, she couldn’t even remember if she had taken the opportunity to look up from the multiple padds she was reading as they had talked. Kathryn knew though that she had been cold and on the brink of icy when speaking with him. She had dismissed him just as soon as he had finished reporting to her on the crew. He had lingered but then made a hasty retreat.

It was her coping mechanism; she was pushing him away. She didn’t feel like talking about it because she knew the more she learned the more hurt she would most likely feel. And she was damned if she was going to get in the way of someone else’s happiness or relationship; she knew herself to be better than that. 

But there was this nagging question in the back of her mind. When had Chakotay finally given up on her? When had he decided to move on with his life without her by his side as his best friend? Sitting on her sofa with the coffee mug warming both of her hands, she gazed out the window. There were the stars she knew from so long ago. And suddenly it hit her; one of their last dinners together, about six months ago, when Chakotay had endlessly teased her about the temporal prime directive and a part of her life she would never know about. Things seemed different after that night.

*****  
A strange turn of events Kathryn pondered stacking the plates from dinner and moving them to the recycler. Chakotay had left a few minutes ago to retrieve another bottle of cider for them. Kathryn was already feeling good from the first bottle but tonight had been special for the two of them, and she wasn't ready for their evening to end.

Besides, Chakotay had been gracious with his scheduling and neither of them had to report to the bridge until the afternoon tomorrow. What had Chakotay just experienced, she wondered thinking back on their after dinner chat. He was downright smug about information he held that he couldn't tell her. Perhaps she could piece some of the information together, she thought coyly, and make an educated guess to get him to say more. 

What could she deduce from what he said, she questioned herself, as she made her way back to her spot on the couch? He had just said earlier that here they were again, her wanting answers to questions she shouldn't ask. So, apparently he had seen her in a different timeline and if that Kathryn had unanswered questions, it would stand to reason it was a younger version of herself. Oh yes, she could use this information to her advantage. 

Kathryn unzipped her uniform jacket and laid it over the back of a chair before taking her seat again on the couch. She relaxed her shoulders and rolled her neck a bit, content in how loose she was feeling, when Chakotay came strolling through the doors of her quarters, another bottle of cider in hand and also a beautiful, full lavender rose. 

Barely moving from her spot, Kathryn's face melted when Chakotay handed her the flower. "Oh, Chakotay, it's beautiful." And she meant it. Being here in the Delta Quadrant it was rare for her to receive flowers of any type. Perhaps occasionally she would receive an arrangement after a gracious first contact with an alien species, but it didn't hold the same importance to her as receiving flowers from a friend or.... no she wouldn’t think about that as she immediately righted herself. She couldn't remember the meaning of lavender in the rose color language, but it was dazzling as she held it up to her nose to smell the delectable aroma. 

A wide grin spread over Chakotay's face as he watched Kathryn's reaction. It was rare he could surprise her with anything and this small token of his affection for her was being very well received. He had taken a chance stopping by his quarters on the way back to replicate her something that would show his devotion to her. Plus a slight bit of alcohol running through his veins did make him slightly more daring. 

Seeing that Kathryn had relaxed and removed her jacket, he felt at liberty to do the same. He folded it over the back of his chair before taking the seat opposite her. As he sat, he looked at her and caught her gaze. Seeing her in these moments, happy, content, with her hair let down (so to speak), made him a happier man. 

For the past six and a half years he couldn't remember being more content in himself as a man with a purpose. Of course he wanted more with this woman sitting before him and he was waiting patiently. He didn't want to pressure her, but perhaps her walls were starting to come down. Somehow his experiences with Kathryn's younger self had rejuvenated him.

Kathryn eyed Chakotay as he sat down. His look and grin were so mischievous. She honestly hated that he knew something about her that she didn't or that he refused to tell her. But, she thought cunningly, she had her ways of getting information from him. Placing her chin in her hand as she leaned onto the armrest of the couch she remarked, "You have been downright coy with me tonight. Just tell me a little bit." He gave her a knowing smirk before replying, "You never change do you? Always like a little kid wanting her way. Well this time, Kathryn Janeway, you are going to have to go unknowing." She didn't like that answer and pursed her lips in a mock pout. 

"Well I see this is going to be more difficult than I had thought," she said as she again eyed the rose in her hand. She continued, "Let me put this in water." At the same time he realized that their champagne flutes were gone from the table. "And I will grab us more glasses," he mentioned. They both unknowingly stood at the same time and immediately brushed against one another in their personal space. 

Unconsciously, Chakotay's hand moved to Kathryn's hip to steady himself from falling backwards onto the chair. "Excuse me," he breathed, but didn't remove his hand. The air between them was heated and charged and they both felt the magnetic pull. Kathryn had tilted her chin up to look him in the eyes as he peered down at her. She didn't make any sudden movement to retreat from him, but instead took this moment to ask him, "Tell me Chakotay, what was it like seeing this younger Kathryn? Did you realize you miss something about the younger me?" There it was; she had taken a chance in guessing what had happened to him earlier.

Chakotay could feel his mouth almost drop from her question. How did she know? But he wasn't about to give in so easily to her game. Bending down to brush his mouth close to her ear he responded, "Not for a moment. There's no one like my Kathryn." He brushed his cheek along the side of hers as he retreated to look back into her eyes. Her breath had initially caught in her mouth after his words, but now she was breathing slightly heavier. He had caught her way off guard he could see.

Kathryn's heart pounded in her chest. Well this wasn't where she had expected the conversation to go. As his cheek brushed against her, she felt a shiver run through her body. He was so close and she wished he were even closer. She was not hiding any raw emotion as she looked up at him again. If he saw full on lust in her eyes at the moment, then he was completely accurate. She wet her lips with her tongue, trying to think of something else to say. His hand still rested on her hip and she could feel the warmth of him through the fabric of her clothing. 

Unsure of what pushed her, she took a slight step forward to feel her body brush against his again. Chakotay's hand reached to cradle the side of her face as he let his thumb brush along her cheek. He took another daring move when he mouthed to her, "God you are so beautiful, more today than you have ever been."

Kathryn's eyes searched his, but then they moved to rest on his lips. She just wanted to feel them against hers. Was that so wrong? She extended herself, lightly brushing her lips against his, just wanting a taste of him. 

His eyes closed when her lips brushed his. His other hand automatically moved to hold her waist. She felt so good in his arms. Could this even be real? Her lips pulled back from his and he already missed them. He bent down to her again, hoping to relish in her lips more and she moved to meet him again. The touch was so soft but electrically charged, that he felt a jolt run through him as if being shocked. "Kathryn," he breathed questioningly against her lips, and suddenly she froze.

I shouldn't be doing this, she suddenly screamed in her head. I'm selfishly leading him down a path I can't promise to keep. She stepped back suddenly, freeing herself from his hold on her, as her hand came to her mouth. "Chakotay, I'm so sorry," were the first words to escape. She looked down at the floor, unable to look at him. 

"Kathryn it’s..." Chakotay started, but then he stopped himself. He wanted to tell her it was okay, but in the back of his mind, he was hurt and dejected. How long did they have to do this dance? 

Kathryn finished for him, "it's not okay. I made a mistake and it was selfish. I should never have done that." For so long she had been so good at knowing where to stop with him. But she had just crossed the line. He had flirted, but it was her that had made the physical gesture. She had been tempted so many times but had been able to bury the desire time and time again, but this was unfair to him. It was honestly unfair to both of them.

"Perhaps we call it a night Commander," she offered not wanting to get into a deep conversation. And had she honestly just used his title to try and rectify the situation? Chakotay didn't move from his spot, but brought his hand up to rest on her arm before saying, "Kathryn maybe we need to discuss this. It's been so long since we have talked about 'us'. Perhaps we can..."

Again Kathryn stopped him, looking up at him, sharply now, "Chakotay, you know better. There can never be an us, not while we are here in the Delta Quadrant. I thought I've made that clear." She was looking at him pleadingly to understand. On one hand she knew she couldn't be romantically involved with him, not here, but on the other hand, she also knew she couldn't finish this journey without him, without him by her side and the closeness they shared. 

"Made it clear," he questioned, "clear, as in you just kissed me Kathryn?" He shook his head now and brought his hand up to his forehead rubbing his temples. "Nothing is clear," he continued, "I never know where we stand. We flirt, we eat candlelight dinners together and we share EVERYTHING. I feel like there's nothing I don't know about you. I know when you order your first cup of coffee in the morning and that when you sneak off to your ready room, you are about to replicate a second. I know that the mornings you have off are often spent soaking in a tub and reading a book you have read multiple times over. I know that quizzical look you get in our staff meetings and when you are listening intently to your crew trying to think of a way to say no to them. And I know when you are pushing someone away because you are afraid of the future and something you don't know." With that Chakotay looked at Kathryn and for the first time he showed her unending regret. "I can't keep doing this," he said softly. 

"And I don't want to be the cause of your pain," she whispered back. She turned from him then, unable to face the look he was giving her. "Goodnight Chakotay," she said as a way to dismiss him and to run from the conversation she was so afraid to have. She felt him turn on his heel behind her and walk to the door. He stood there for a moment as the door opened, deciding whether or not to turn around. Instead, he walked through the door, not looking back.

Kathryn was breathing heavily again, but this time trying to bring her emotions in check. What had she just done? How could she treat him that way and why was she treating herself so harshly? Then that knowing voice broke into her thoughts, "because you are the Captain." She settled for that reason over and over and over.

She noticed the rose still present in her hand. She was bolstered by the fact that her and Chakotay had gone through worse and always been able to move forward. They would make this work she thought positively. She walked to her replicator and ordered a small vase with water. Dropping the rose in the water, she moved to take it into her room and place the vase on the table next to the bed. Thoughtfully she asked the computer, "What is the meaning of the lavender rose?" The computer quickly responded, "The lavender rose is a sign of enchantment and love at first sight. It often expresses romantic intentions and further developing a relationship."

The words struck Kathryn to the core. She hadn't been as clear as she thought. And she knew it was mainly because she wanted the same things as Chakotay, she was just being more stubborn. Her nostrils flared as her emotions tried to overtake her. Her breathing was a bit haggard but she refused to give into any type of sadness. She had to be strong, if she were to live up to her convictions. 

Half tempted to call Chakotay back to her quarters she walked back into her living room. In his haste, Chakotay had left his jacket. She picked it up. She knew him as well as he knew her, she thought. She knew that the article of clothing would smell like the special cologne he reserved for their dinners together. Lifting it to her face, she breathed him in. They would make this work, they would have to.

*****  
That was the night and she knew it. It was as clear as the window she was looking though. How did she not see the shift in Chakotay’s demeanor and behavior towards her? He would always be her friend and a stellar First Officer, but thinking back, he had started to slowly distance himself from her. Could she honestly blame him? She knew that she had as much of a share in him seeking out companionship as he did in her feeling betrayed. 

Kathryn didn’t know what time it was but she would soon need to get back to work if she were to finish in time. Just a few more minutes she thought as her eyes steadily peered out the window watching the stars winking at her.  
The chime to her door rang and she instinctively called, “Come in.” There he stood in her doorway.


	3. The Pain We Create

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janeway and Chakotay must confront their own mistakes and pain they have caused. But is there hope or is it all too late?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, but I hope to continue with Chapter 4 soon.   
> Chapter three is set a few weeks after Voyager's arrival home in the Alpha Quadrant.

CHAPTER 3  
His form was strikingly massive within her doorway. Perhaps it was because she knew if she could make a run for it, she would, but there he was blocking her only way out. It wasn’t often that she remembered him just standing in her doorway without having the freeness to casually stride in and make himself comfortable within her living quarters. But now, here he was, standing on the threshold of her quarters, like an outsider or stranger, seeking further permission to come into her personal space.

Still unsure of himself, Chakotay looked down at this feet, while his hands were still clasped behind his back. Kathryn was not going to make this easy for him, was she? He had told himself that he needed to find her and talk to her on the pretense of official business; a commander and his captain. Surely she wouldn’t turn him away if he were addressing her with official business. But the moment the door opened and he saw the forlorn look on her face, he couldn’t help but start, “I thought perhaps you would need a hand, packing a few things away. I know how hard it was for me.” 

“I’ve managed to do just fine so far Commander,” she replied. “Besides,” she continued, “I really do need to finish up here,” she said as she began to stand from the couch. With her mug still in her hands, she walked it over to the replicator to recycle the now cool contents. With her back to Chakotay, she thought maybe he would take her cue and leave quietly. At this point what else was there really to say? His explanation to her of why and how he found Seven would just cause her further injury. Was he trying to give her closure?

She hadn’t heard the door to her quarters close. Having steadied her resolve, she placed her hands palm down on the surface of the replicator, and was set to turn and ask him to leave. Turning about, his name was out of her mouth in a commanding tone, “Chakotay…” but the rest of the words caught when she saw that he had picked up their picture off of her desk.

Kathryn stood watching him as he handled the picture in much the same way she had previously. Grasped in both of his hands, he ran a thumb over their images. Still contemplating, he reminisced, “I didn’t know you still had this. I was just looking at the one of us I had in my quarters. I remember that night as if it were yesterday.”

“Yes, well,” she started as she walked over to her desk, reaching for the picture from him, “it was a good picture of us. And honestly I don’t have many, with how much I really detest taking photographs.” Not allowing her to take the picture from him just yet, Chakotay smirked and continued, “Ahhh, I do remember you being a bit stubborn about taking these pictures. You glared down Neelix until I thought he would melt into a pool.” That caused a brief chuckle to erupt from Kathryn’s lips so he kept going, “And what was the demeaning comment Lieutenant Paris made about my ‘command skills’ that caused us to burst into hysterics?” Feeling the grin pulling at her lips Kathryn answered, “I’m sure it had more to do with your piloting skills than your command skills. How many of my shuttle crafts did you destroy over the years,” she asked jokingly. They both laughed at her rhetorical question letting the mood within the room lighten a bit. 

After a second long gaze at the image within the frame he then looked at her, “You should never be opposed to taking pictures. You always look beautiful no matter what.” Whether he had meant it or not, given their current positions, his comment stung. “I’ll take that back now,” she enforced, again reaching for the frame.

Instead of handing it over, he walked around the desk to stand in front of her. Only then did he offer her the frame for her to take. With him standing rather close, she had to tilt her head up to meet his eyes. Initially they didn’t exchange words but instead looked for the emotions within each other. 

Not holding back her true feelings, Chakotay could see in her eyes pain, hurt and possibly regret. He knew that he was the one that had caused those emotions so evident within those steely sapphire blue eyes. And more than any harm physical pain could cause, that knowledge cut him deeply. 

Kathryn searched into the depths of him, truly wondering about his feelings and why he was persistent in speaking with her. She saw fear, reluctance and self-loathing. And while she was hurt with his actions, she didn’t want him blaming himself for everything that had happened between them.

Unsure of himself, he started, “I don’t know where to begin Kathryn.” “I don’t feel as though…” she started to interject when Chakotay abruptly cut her off, “Let me speak, for just a minute, and then you can decide if you want me to stay or go.” “I can agree to that,” she replied.

“It’s hard for me to start, because for so long I haven’t been able to tell you the things I’ve always wanted to. And now, when that moment is here and I’m finally able to be honest about everything, I’m the cause and the reason that I am unable to speak as freely as I would like to. With all of the fear that persisted in me, not knowing what would happen to myself, when returning home, it was also the constant that kept me sane. Because I knew that when we finally made it home, that perhaps I could finally tell you…tell you what you mean to me, and maybe…just maybe you would tell me that you felt the same. And the years wore on Kathryn and I never wanted that flicker of hope I had to diminish. I actually even thought that maybe without Mark, without that safety net, and that with all of the time we had, that you were starting to let down some of those barriers.”

Kathryn was listening intently and the more he spoke, the more she could feel the moisture building in her eyes. So she clenched her teeth and anxiously breathed through her nose, trying to maintain her composure, because she knew what he had gone through and she knew she was the cause.

“And then that night over dinner,” Chakotay continued looking up at the ceiling as he remembered six months ago as if it had just happened, “Gods Kathryn, I wanted you so badly. In that briefest of moments I even thought perhaps you were mine. I still remember everything about it: the energy that ran through my body just by being close to you, the way you tasted, how your hips felt under my hands, the feel of your skin as I brushed your cheek. It is almost like that moment is frozen in time for me. And then you broke it to me, ‘there could never be an us.’ To say I was devastated isn’t half of how I felt.” 

Lowering his head to again look at her, one single tear fell from his cheek. “I wanted to talk about it, but I think, I believe, it was too difficult for you. And I knew then, that whatever I had thought ‘could happen’ was wrong and I needed to respect your wishes. So I distanced myself, whether that was the right thing to do or not, and you didn’t seem to mind. And I did, what any other sane person would do to get their mind off of someone. I ventured out to meet someone new,” Chakotay finished.   
Chakotay could visibly see Kathryn struggling with her composure. Taking the picture from her hands and setting it on the desk, he then grasped her hands. “I’m so sorry Kathryn. I want you to understand but also to know, that I know now it was a mistake.” 

“A mistake,” Kathryn vehemently questioned back. Pulling her hands from his, she turned on her heal and placed her hands over her face trying to rationalize everything he had just said. And while there was truth to his words, his actions is what caused her more pain. “It was more than just a mistake you kissing me back in my ready room when you knew full well that you were already seeing Seven. It’s more than a mistake now, telling me how you feel, when you are still with her; Chakotay she’s a good woman and my friend. To hear you say it’s a mistake, I hurt for her too.” 

The moisture pooling in her eyes was getting dangerously close to breaking the boundaries of her lids and streaming down her face, so Kathryn did what she always did to maintain composure, she turned angry. Instead of feeling sorry for herself, she whipped around to aggressively question him, “And how could you both let this happen? I find out from Admiral Janeway that you two are more than just friends? Or was it intentional to keep your love affair from me?”

Chakotay noticed the change in her voice and took offense at the questions. “I or we were trying to go about this the right way! There was no point in alerting the entire crew to our ‘new’ relationship. Even we didn’t know where it was going to take us,” he spat out. Without thinking he continued harshly, “I had every right to explore my feelings after having been turned down by you year after year, time and time again. Or wouldn’t you call what happened between you and Michael Sullivan, a bit of exploring? I didn’t see you asking me permission about your holographic escapade?” 

Knowing that his last comment was meant to be hurtful, she felt the heat rising in her. Steadily she stated, “I guess I’ve heard what you have to say. And my decision is that you can now leave.”

Kathryn could see Chakotay was clenching his jaw and restraining himself. They had had their fair share of arguments and this is the point where her Commander would typically excuse himself so as not to lose control in front of her. Breaking his own death glare he turned, striding towards the door. The door opened as he approached and he stood momentarily within the threshold. Lifting his arm, his fist came crashing into contact with the door frame, letting his anger pulse through him. Yet, he didn’t take that final step. 

Janeway was watching him intently and flinched when she heard his fist crush into the bulkhead. She swallowed, slightly fearful of the power of this man and the power she had over him to cause such anger. He turned then, back towards her, uttering, “I will not let it end this way.” 

Unknowingly, Kathryn took several steps back towards her dining room table. And as he approached her, he grabbed her by both arms, almost trying to shake the truth into her. “You don’t have any idea what I meant by mistake. You rationalize my words without letting me explain,” he said hurtfully, shaking his head as he was speaking. “It was a mistake that I ever thought I could be with someone else Kathryn. It’s a mistake that I thought I could forget my feelings for you by trying to drown them with the feelings of another. It was my mistake that I pulled another woman into my life, when I only have room for one. It was a mistake that I thought I could stop loving you,” he finished at almost a whisper.

The tears then freely cascaded down Kathryn’s cheeks. She bent her head trying to regain a bit of her poise as the ragged breaths escaped her mouth. Chakotay was still holding her arms tightly, and he squeezed them trying to get her to look back at him, searching for a response. With head still bent, she whispered back to him, “You both were my friends, my closest friends. You were supposed to tell me. Hearing it from someone else, it shattered me.”

Chakotay then gathered Kathryn to him in a solid embrace. She wanted to pound her fists into his chest as a last defense, but instead his words caused her to melt reluctantly into him, as her arms encircled his back. With her cheek against his chest she mumbled through agitated breaths, “I thought I had gotten to you in time. I thought by getting home early I had changed things, but I was too late.” 

His chin settled on the top of her head and he let his eyes shut as he said over and over again, “It’s my fault. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Kathryn.”

As a couple minutes ticked by and Kathryn felt that her resolve was back and she could continue the conversation she pondered out loud, “Where does that leave us?”

Pulling her from him, Chakotay settled his hands on her shoulders and their eyes met. As a last peace offering Kathryn hesitantly stated, “Chakotay, if you choose Seven and want to be with her, I can be understanding. It’ll just take me a little…” but he cut her off from her straying comment, “Kathryn didn’t you hear what I just said?” 

Lifting his hand, he ran his fingers through her hair that had fallen to the side of her face and brushed it behind her ear. Then running his thumb along her jawline, he held the tip of her chin and tilted it up so that they kept their eye contact before uttering, “It’s you and it always has been and it will never be anyone else.” 

Allowing her eyes to shut as he spoke those words, warmth ran through her body. Was this finally happening? What she had denied herself for so many years, could this finally be real? She was afraid to open her eyes, afraid that she might awaken from the dream she felt almost sure she was having.

Knowing that he had been a patient man, Chakotay knew he could wait no longer as he watched Kathryn close her eyes, letting his words run over her as a healing. Her lips looked succulent as they parted and she took in a relaxing breath. Pulling her slowly to him, his lips met her’s gently. She caught slightly in surprise but then relaxed against him, allowing his lips to brush against her and begin an exploration. 

The brief indulgence they had allowed themselves roughly six months ago had not permitted Chakotay to explore Kathryn’s lips in the manner he had always fantasized about. Taking his time, he ran his tongue along her top lip, tasting her at the same time. Then he focused on her fuller lower lip and took it into his mouth, sucking it and then allowing it to escape him as he nibbled the edge. 

While Chakotay took his time, Kathryn could feel the intensity building. She moved her hands up to the base of Chakotay’s neck, running her nails lightly over his skin before pulling him more forcefully towards her. As her lower lip was freed from him, she fully opened her mouth to his and moaned softly as his tongue found her’s. Their tongues played a sensual game as they entwined moving freely from her mouth to his. 

Running his hands down the sides of her body, they landed on Kathryn’s hips and grasped her tightly pulling her against him. As their bodies made contact, Chakotay groaned when Kathryn instinctually rolled her hips against him. His manhood was growing at an exponential rate.

Pushing against her more, needing to feel her heat, Chakotay felt Kathryn lurch against the dining room table. Clutching her by the waist, he lifted her onto the edge of the table, causing Kathryn to gasp lightly in surprise. Their lips parted momentarily as Kathryn held onto either side of his face, running thumbs along his masculine jawline.   
Looking at each other, as they had never allowed themselves to do before, Kathryn felt as though she may melt under his desirous gaze. She had never truly permitted her own desires and passion to reach this point for her First Officer, and in the moment she wondered how she had ever been able to keep them buried so deeply within her. Only in her dreams had she felt the aching and want that was currently coursing through her body. 

Now, with her lips swollen from Chakotay’s passionate attentions and the force of his body against her she reveled in nothing more than the thought of his hands touching her searing skin. Uncontrollably, her legs moved to encircle Chakotay’s waist and pull him even tighter against her core.

Planting his palms on the table, one on each side of her, he leaned over her and bent his head to kiss that sensitive spot where her jawline and neck met. He tasted sweetness on her skin and her aromatic perfume filled him; this was his real Kathryn, all the others had just been visages of his daydreams and fantasies. But when a gentle moan escaped her lips and her arms encircled his neck as he left a trail of kisses down her neck and nipped at the top of her turtle neck, wanting to move further south, he knew this was no longer the workings of his imagination.

Kathryn allowed Chakotay to bend her back further against the table, until she lay there looking up at him. This was happening so quickly, but the growing heat within her wasn’t allowing her to stop him. They had waited so long. She felt his hands reach for the zipper of her jacket and slowly move it down her body, until it fell open, revealing her shape and heaving breasts tightly contoured by a grey turtleneck. 

Chakotay stopped his progress, taking a moment to revel in this sight of her. With her form laid out in front of him, her hair splayed across the table, her cheeks reddened from excitement, her lips still slick from their kisses and her wanton eyes asking for more, he was losing control of himself. 

“Cha-ko-tay,” she breathed his name. In answer to her, she felt him begin to remove her shirt from her uniform pants and slide it up her stomach. His mouth immediately went to her newly exposed skin kissing her and nipping at the porcelain doll beneath his lips, leaving tiny red marks as his signature. Kathryn let her hands bury themselves within his hair and she rocked herself against him as his lips further aroused the throbbing between her legs. 

Chakotay was cresting the fabric over Kathryn’s breasts when an ever recognizable “chirp chirp” sounded on her jacket. Both of their movements froze as if doing so would mean it was unnecessary to answer the impending message. Another resounding, “chirp, chirp,” sounded and without giving it a second thought, Chakotay reached for Janeway’s commbadge, detached it from her jacket and handed it to her. 

Janeway reluctantly took the cold metal from his hand looking at him with a sadness in her eyes. She pushed herself up from the table, as Chakotay moved to stand. Still sitting on the edge of the dining room table, she cleared her throat before answering, “Janeway here.” 

“This is just a message to inform you that Voyager is scheduled to be re-stationed for retrofitting purposes as of tomorrow. All crew will be required to have vacated Voyager and transported to Deep Space Nine at no later than 0700 hours, again that is 0700 hours,” stated one of the bridge officers from the station. “Understood,” Janeway replied before adding, “I will ensure all crew have been transported before the designated time.” “Again that’s 0700 hours, McKinney out,” was the final reminder. Kathryn brought a hand up to run through her hair as she was still collecting her thoughts. Seven, 0700 hundred hours, those words kept running through her head. They had to be gone by then, by 0700. Seven. What about Seven? It hit her like a ton of bricks. 

As if reading her mind, both Kathryn and Chakotay turned to look at one another. Recognition of their situation played through their knowing glances. Finally, Kathryn asked the question that haunted her, “Chakotay, have you told Seven yet?” 

A sadness enveloped him then and it blanketed his eyes. Without speaking a word, he just shook his head in shame and turned from her. Here he was expressing his love for the woman that held his heart for the past seven years and succumbing to desires that had been his constant fantasy and he hadn’t thought about the other person he would potentially be hurting in this process. His only concern had been to explain to Kathryn and get her to understand, but he was suddenly sickened with himself for again failing on such a grand scale. 

With his back still turned towards her, and not wanting to see her disappointment, Chakotay now looked to the floor and placed his hands on his hips as he continued shaking his head in disbelief of his own actions. “Kathryn, I …,” he started to stammer, until he felt the gentle touch of her palm on his back. 

“It’s okay Chakotay,” Kathryn began, “this whole situation, I’m not upset anymore…and this is clearly a disaster that both of us created. I want you to know and understand, that I do take responsibility too, for what happened between us. I just don’t want anyone else to be hurt by our choices. I think we have hurt ourselves enough,” Kathryn finished with her voice trailing off.

“You aren’t upset,” Chakotay questioned, turning his face up to look at her as she stood by his side. “We’ve both made mistakes Chakotay,” Kathryn stated honestly, “and I won’t pretend that an hour ago I wasn’t heartbroken over some of the things you had done. But I also know I’ve caused you pain through the years and made my own mistakes, even if I felt I could justify them.” 

Turning to face her completely now, he took both of her hands in his and offered to her with resounding certainty, “I don’t deserve you. And I know that if you are willing, I don’t want to spend another moment without you, but I need to make this right with Seven. I need to explain it to her so she understands.” “And I wouldn’t want to move forward with you, knowing this was weighing on our relationship,” Kathryn agreed. 

Taking one of her hands from his, Kathryn placed it on his cheek, and looked with such hope into his eyes. “This is finally going to happen for us,” she remarked softly, and she pulled his head down to her and softly kissed the inked lines of his tattoo. It was her promise to him that yes, she wanted to move forward with him in her life.

Not wanting to separate, they gradually pulled away from one another. Chakotay started making his way to the door of her quarters and as their fingertips left each other, as a final goodbye, he turned one last time to look at her, “I promised I would make this right for us and I will. I’ll make it right for all of us,” he assured her. “Chakotay,” she called to him as a final request, “be kind and make her understand. She’s still me friend, our friend.” He gave her a final nod of affirmation and then left her quarters.

For the first time in a long time, Kathryn felt the joy and happiness she had been neglecting herself since their homecoming. Finally there was a hope for her future and Chakotay’s here in the Alpha Quadrant, the home the two of them had struggled for so long to find their way back too so this would all be possible.


End file.
